AMBiTiON/Story/Ch. 19

Chapter 19 - An Insincere Apology, Probably
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Her half-hearted stare landed on the surface of her desk. Chihiro bit the inside of her cheek, and pondered what had been discussed on the train yesterday.

"There was one thing that Sorae-senpai thought could help mend this situation." Mai had said. "She wants you to speak to Aki-san about this."

'Like hell I'm gonna do that,' Chihiro scoffed silently. The only thing that talking to Aki would achieve was possibly bringing back the band, and that surely didn't interest her. What good would it do, anyway? Chihiro knew now that reviving the project would benefit Sorae and Mai, but what about Aki? What about Izumi? And perhaps most importantly, what about herself?

Well... DID she want the band back? Obviously, Chihiro's first answer was a certain 'no'. But the side of her which spat that word with such conviction - the side she'd been practically conjoined with for as long as memory served - had been shoved forcefully into a narrow corner of her brain, cowering in misery. Instead, all this time, a disease had been spreading. It crawled the interior of her skull like a creeping ivy, planting its sickening roots. The name of the ivy was 'truth'.

The talk with Mai on the train yesterday propagated that accursed growth. Now, Chihiro found herself comprehending its intention. She began to understand why she wanted to be distrusted, why she wanted to hate without regret... and why she started this band to begin with. And when Chihiro thought of that question again - 'Do I want the band back?' - something caught in her throat. Something foreign.

"Sora-chin's not gonna be here, huh~." As per usual, the oblivious Aki stood by Chihiro's desk at the chime of the lunch bell. Today, her expression was resigned. "Let's just go to the courtyard, then."

With a lunchbox in hand, Chihiro followed Aki out into the student-filled halls. She took note of the glances Aki flashed at the space beside them, ordinarilly occupied by the absent Sorae. In her eyes, Chihiro could see her grieving Sorae's presence.

'Do I want the band back?' One side called. 'Yes,' the other responded.

But in spite of that... Chihiro never gathered her resolve.

At the end of that day, though she finally came to admit her desires, she could not act upon them. 'If only I was stronger.' Chihiro could only think. 'If only I knew what to say to Aki-yan, to bring back this stupid project.'

It was quite a shame, too - Yesterday's conversation with Mai really seemed to kickstart the fire sleeping dormant in her heart. She finally felt she understood what was wrong with herself - The halves, the motives, the epiphanies - but instead of powering her 'ambition', the realization simply broke her. Chihiro stood at a crossroads, the border between two sides, and she had nowhere to go. Thus, her feet were bound to the ground by a withering ivy, killing her along with itself. In her attempt to be loved, she'd flown too close to the sun. How familiar, this hopelessness was.

It didn't matter that she still wanted the band back; she had nothing to say to Aki, and even if she did, she couldn't bring herself to say them.

So, this story was finally over. So what? Chihiro had her bag in her hands and was ready to be dismissed from school for the day. Why was this still going on?

Because Aki's familiar figure had been standing before her desk, once again. The echo of the dismissal bell sounded more like a hollow ringing in Chihiro's head.

"... What?" Chihiro muttered.

Aki's eyes were pensive, and she smiled demurely. "Hiro-tan. Can we talk?"

Chihiro stood up, and her chair squeaked behind her. "Don't tell me you got another cut on your arm." Though she smirked, a sinking dread filled her stomach - Whatever Aki had to say, it surely couldn't be good.

"Oh, come on~, that was a one-time thing!" Aki merely giggled. "No, it's not related to that. It's just... I caught word of something. I'm curious."

A sigh was laid bare in the space between them. The twin halves of Chihiro's mind bickered like siblings. 'What is this about? Tell me!' 'I don't care what this is! Shut up!' 'Is this about the band? Let's bring it back!' 'The band project can die for all I care!' Though before Chihiro could choose one side or the other, Aki's voice, ever so sickly sweet, cut dry into her internal monologue.

"Come with me to the rooftop, okay?"

--

"I was trying to get you guys to stop trusting me." That was how Chihiro had started her explanation yesterday.

It took her a good minute to think of how to elaborate. Mai merely waited and listened, wordlessly. Chihiro had been staring at the tiled station floor when she continued. "You know how I said I made the band to get popular? The other stuff got kind of exaggerated, but that part wasn't a lie."

"I see." The train they stepped off of had sped away as Mai responded.

"It was just a random idea I had. I thought, 'Bands are popular recently. Maybe if I make one, people will like me more.'"

"So your initial motive was to gain the favor of others." Mai had nodded. "Interesting... Why did you want to be distrusted, then?"

"..."

--

When Chihiro emerged into the open expanse of the school roof, a brightness blinded her. Then, she felt a gentle breeze course through the air, petrichor riding on its back. Warm sunshine sang a greeting of July, but Chihiro didn't dare relax - Aki led her to the rooftop for a reason.

"Hiro-tan, look." Aki's fingers were clasped onto the green chain link fence, lining the rooftop's edge. The two were met with the sight of the city from a bird's eye view. Chihiro leaned against the fence and, briefly, scanned the scenery - Maybe after this mess washed away with the sands of time, she would simply disappear into those crowds, becoming a background nobody like anyone else. Her wish to be loved had been completely botched anyways.

Step after step, Chihiro walked along the fence, brushing her hand on the metal links. She stepped into a shallow puddle. Ripples.

"It's nice up here, isn't it? There's even benches. Maybe we should come here more often." Aki's voice resonated from behind her. Chihiro didn't know what kind of expression she was wearing when she said that.

The rooftop was dead silent. "Aki-yan." Chihiro stopped in her restless tracks.

"Hm?"

"Stop dilly-dallying. What did you drag me up here for?"

She turned, and she saw a melancholic smile show on Aki's face. "... You're right. I should just tell you what I heard, shouldn't I?" Aki took a seat on one section of the bench whch lined the chain fence. "I'll tell you." She beckoned. Chihiro sat down.

--

"So your original intention was to enact revenge on the world which neglected you," Mai had put a finger to her chin.

"Yeah. Something like that." They were leaning against the railing of that unfamiliar train station. Chihiro later discovered that she'd gotten off at the wrong stop, but in the moment of their exchange that previous day, her error hardly mattered.

"Then, what is the twist of this story?"

"Well... I started getting attached. The more I pretended to get along with you people, the more it became true. It was so annoying, too." She had let out a forced laugh. "Then I was like, 'I don't care if that's true. I'll just pretend like it isn't.'"

"... Why did you do that?"

"W-What do you mean, 'why did I do that'?" Chihiro frowned. "Because I wasn't supposed to get attached! How can I care about a world that hates me? That's some Stockholm Syndrome stuff."

"I see... You were willing to partake in self-deception because you wanted to force yourself to stay on your guard, and prevent yourself from being hurt emotionally again."

"Way to sugarcoat it, detective." Chihiro had scoffed. "But then..."

"But then...?"

--

When Aki turned to Chihiro, sitting on the bench on the school rooftop, a light wind combed through her silky, lilac hair. "I heard about it, Hiro-tan."

"About... what?"

"What happened last Friday. The day band practice got cancelled, remember?"

Chihiro stiffened and, instinctively, scooted back an inch in her seat. "What? N-Nothing happened last Friday. What are you talking about?"

"No, Hiro-tan. Something DID happen. I thought it was weird when Izumin started ghosting the chat... But then, I heard about it just earlier today. I heard about the truth."

Chihiro felt her teeth clench, and she looked away incriminatingly. "... Well then, what happened? If you know 'the truth', surely you can say it."

A faint smile showed on Aki's visage, bereft of impatience as always. The chain link fence clinked under her weight as she leaned back. "That Friday, you cancelled rehearsal because you were gonna talk with everyone at Haneoka. Everyone except for me, that is. I don't know what exactly you talked about, or what you were trying to do, but I heard you said some..." she sucked in a breath, "pretty surprising stuff to them. Isn't that right, Hiro-tan?"

"... How the hell...?"

Aki closed her eyes in a calm, saintly manner. "Sora-chin told me."

"What? How?!" Though she didn't mean to, Chihiro's grip on the bench tightened, and she leaned forward. "She wasn't even with us at lunch today!"

Letting out a soft yet mischievous giggle, Aki held up her phone. "Hmhm. You shan't forget the power of modern technology, Hiro-tan~."

Chihiro's palm met her forehead. "Gh... Damn snitch, that Sorae-chan..."

"Did you not want her to say anything?"

"I don't know anymore." That was the truth.

"You know, Hiro-tan, she said it took her some time to gather her courage and tell me about this. I guess it really must have been important." Aki gazed up at the pale sky solemnly. "So I'd like to know more... if you please."

Chihiro inhaled and exhaled slowly, glancing away at the distantly opposite side of the rooftop. "... Why do you want to know so badly?"

"Same reason why you wanted to know about this, that afternoon." When Chihiro looked back, she caught sight of Aki's raised left arm, donning the scab of a faint yet lingering cut.

--

Another train had screeched by, though it was unimportant to both Chihiro and Mai, focused on their conversation on that previous day. "After Aki-yan talked to me that afternoon and showed me that... 'thing', I got really paranoid. 'Cause the stuff she said was so... s-sensitive, I realized there that she wasn't tricking me like I thought she was, and that not everyone in the world hates my guts."

"I suppose it made you uncomfortable, yes? Whatever it was that Aki-san disclosed."

"Not just because it was sensitive stuff, but because of what it made me realize." Chihiro had peered away at that point, analyzing the pattern of grout lines in the station floor. "Turns out, I've been hating the world when only half of it hated me back. And the other half's just innocent bystanders, caught in the crossfire. I started feeling bad for that other half of the world." Unknowingly, her hands had curled into fists at that point. "That made me feel awful. I was like, 'What the hell? Why do you trust me? Defend yourself from my hate-bullets, damn it.' And the regret tore me apart, so..."

"So you sought to make that other half of the world distrust you, to ensure they would never be hurt by your actions. Otherwise, you'd regret it deeply if they DID end up hurt." Mai crossed her arms sophisticatedly with an immersed gaze. "Thus, last Friday, you deliberately tried to make us distrust you. It was because you did not want to hurt us any further, nor did you want to be burdened by remorse."

"... Sharp as a needle, Mai-san."

--

Aki continued to hold up her arm, displaying the light scab like a morbid trophy. The backdrop of the chain link fence made her stand out. "I want to know because I'm worried, Hiro-tan. Just like how you were worried about me." Her gaze was tender. "I want to help you."

"... You're a damn liar."

"Huh?"

Chihiro stood abruptly. With a heavy breath, she began her slow, desolate trudge, step after step. Her feet hardly left the ground when she walked. She didn't have a clue what she was doing, but she didn't have the energy. "I wish," she muttered, "that I knew what to think. I can't get a grip on whether to hate the world or to like it. And YOU only complicate things further."

The distance between them widened. "I wish," Chihiro stopped, "that I could just believe you when you say that. 'I'm worried about you, Hiro-tan.' I wish that was easy to believe. But sucks for me, that I still don't have what it takes to do that."

"... Why is that?" Aki's whisper was poignant.

"Because..." Though she knew what she wished to say, the words that came to mind didn't feel right to her lips. Chihiro ended up trailing off.

There was one very familiar answer that presented itself to her in that split second: 'I love myself.' Yes, Chihiro's psyche simply would not let her believe Aki's sentiment because of this. 'I love myself. That's why I don't believe you... It's because I'm trying to protect myself. Because I love myself.'

But no matter what, the words just could not come out audibly anymore. 'I love myself,' she repeated desperately in her mind, over and over again. 'I love myself. I love myself.'

I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself.

"Hiro-tan... I really am worried. Can you tell me why you don't believe that?" Aki sounded despondent. The corners of her mouth fell at last.

I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself.

"... I hate myself."

"What?"

The catharsis of those words finally purged the last of that old, decrepit half of Chihiro's severed mind. 'I hate myself' - That was the real motive behind everything she did since the prologue's dawn, and everything before that, too. "God damn it." She stumbled, step after miserable, sinking step, back toward the bench where Aki remained, but the girl's consoling presence felt as if it were a mile away. "I hate myself so much." Chihiro felt her fingers lock on tight to the chain links, and her forehead pressed against the surface pathetically.

Aki stared.

"... Are you kidding me?" Chihiro's feeble voice came out as a whimper - She only wanted herself to hear those words. "THIS is why I started the band? Am I crazy?"

Aki looked away.

"... I'm crazy. I'm going crazy."

"Hey, Hiro-tan." When Aki spoke again, her voice had a light, feathery tone. It felt like the cold embrace of a drifting cloud in the midnight sky. Her crystal blue eyes could have drowned Chihiro. "... Are you okay?"

The chain link fence shook with a rattle under the force of Chihiro's trembling fist. What little effort she could summon was still not enough to quell the movement on her meekly shivering body. "... No." She seethed. "No! I'm not okay!" She buried her face in the nest of a clammy palm, desperate to hide the pitiful stream rolling down her cheek. "I-It took me this long to realize: I hate myself so god damn much. Can you believe it? I must be stupid! C-Can you believe I started the band for a stupid reason like that? Can you believe it, Aki-yan?!"

"..."

"A-And to think I was trying so hard to be liked. Was it just because I didn't know how to like myself?" A knot tied in her throat. "H-Hey, did you know? I started the band because I wanted people to like me. Isn't that stupid?" And as she choked on her woe, it turned into a broken laugh. "Isn't it?!"

... Chihiro didn't know when it occurred, but Aki had taken hold of her tear-covered palm. The grip drew her to sit down. She did.

"It's alright," hummed the star-speckled breeze. "You're alright, Hiro-tan."

"... Don't you hate me too? Aki-yan?" A crow's call foretold the death of Chihiro's crumbling identity. "I was gonna hurt you for the sake of the band project. Don't you know that?"

"That's alright."

"You're so stupid. You don't even know what I said to them last Friday at Haneoka."

"Well..." The benign smile on Aki's face stirred her emotions. Was it fury? Was it despair? "... Do you wanna tell me about it?"

Chihiro looked away for the millionth time.

--

One of the last things she recalled from the conversation at the train station was Mai saying, "So? Do you intend on speaking to Aki-san?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want the band to continue?"

"I guess."

"Give it some thought, Chihiro-san. Recall what you started this band for."

At the time, Chihiro thought she only wanted to prove the world wrong - the world which had neglected her and showered her with void. She thought she only wanted to take revenge by proving herself worthy of their adoration. Little did she know that all she desired

was to experience the love

which she could never give herself.

--

The gentle wind on the school rooftop felt freezing to Chihiro's misty eyes, but though it stung, it was also refreshing. She supposed that was the way of 'change' - Painful, uncomfortable, yet in the end, gratifying. Just as flowers bloom in the wake of fire; just as rain disturbs the surface of the pool of life and memories.

"So that's what happened," Aki spoke quietly.

"Yeah. Isn't it horrible?" Chihiro simply laughed, but she was far from happy. "I was just gonna use you. I just wanted myself to be liked. Isn't that shallow?"

There was a pause in Aki's reply. It still overflowed with warmth. "I can't excuse wanting to take advantage of someone, but..." She smiled wistfully. "Hiro-tan, it's not a crime to want to be loved. It's just a shame you don't know, yet, how much you already are loved."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I have my own reasons... but I guess it's not something you can prove with words, is it?" She chuckled sheepishly, "I think it's something you learn with time. With growing. And I think you've done a lot of growing already, Hiro-tan."

"I don't believe that."

"That's alright. You don't have to. But I know someday, you'll believe it. And I'll make sure it happens."

Spreading waves.

Aki stood, inviting Chihiro up with a delicate hand. "I want the band to continue. I want to see you keep growing, and I want to see everyone else do the same... including myself."

"If only growth didn't hurt so much."

"It hurts less when someone's with you. Don't you want the band to keep going, too?"

"... Yeah." Chihiro took her hand.

Puddles in the rain.

"Then why don't we make it happen?" Aki's familiar smile was reassuring to no end. "We'll bring this band back, and we'll do it together. Even if it hurts to grow, as long as we stick with each other, we don't have anything to be afraid of. As long as we keep changing and growing, then surely one day..." The blue in Aki's eyes was a canvas of clouds and possibility.

"... We'll find what 'ambition' means, won't we?"

... Chihiro couldn't help it - She let out a laugh. "Ugh! What the hell? How do you come up with something so lame?!"

Aki's giggle was sincere as she stroked the scab on her arm. "Poyo-yan, ain't it?"

"Poyo-- oh, whatever." Chihiro had been puppeteered by translucent threads when she was brought to her feet by Aki's supportive hand. She reflected on all the things that had happened - motive, epiphany, denial, dilemma. Growth and death alike. "... We're all hopeless, aren't we?"

"We'll just make some hope ourselves!"

"... Illegally?"

"Whatever it takes."

Falling... not falling apart, but falling together.

Chihiro felt a sudden icy chill on her head. "Wait, was that rain? Are you kidding?" She groaned. "I swear, the first drop always hits me..."

As the two scurried back under the school's cover, grabbing their bags and intending to leave, Aki suggested. "Maybe that means you're lucky."

"How is it lucky that I get rained on...?"

Aki shut the door without responding and she peered, through the window in the door, at a light drizzle beginning to fall. Chihiro peered as well. Rain makes puddles.

A thousand things to search for, and Chihiro never knew how to make the first step.

"Y'know how you were saying all that cheesy crap?" Chihiro murmured.

"Mhm?"

"... Should I say one back?"

Aki winked. "Stage's yours."

A strange sense of optimism, although childish, overcame Chihiro. Change really was painful. But someday, a little puddle could become an ocean. She turned to the pale gray skies where it would soon turn dark. 'The sky changes too,' she mused.

The water's surface changes. Everything does.

Although it was only the start, Chihiro vowed with a mixture of irony and sincerity.

"I... I am a new Chihiro Satou."

She recalled having said those words with so little intention. Like lying. She thought she understood herself back then. Lying. Lies.

Wow, that was stupid.

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