AMBiTiON/Story/Ch. 17

Chapter 17 - Bye
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The tap squeaked shut and Chihiro stared at her own reflection. Her hand instinctively moved to fix her hair, and she checked her makeup, but it was all muscle memory.

"It's 'cause I trust you, Hiro-tan!" Aki had said. Now Chihiro stood in the school bathroom, where the two visited yesterday for Aki to wash the blood off her hand.

Those words made Chihiro see red. She didn't know why - Just like anyone else, she used to enjoy being trusted. Yet, what was it about that concept now that made her so uneasy? Unless... she herself had changed?

"I... love myself." Chihiro's murmur echoed softly off of the walls. Fortunately, no one was around since it was still class time. "I love myself... so I don't care about you."

That last part was still a lie - Chihiro did care about Aki, and the others too. But she wanted to swear it off so badly. After all, if she let herself trust them, she'd only put herself in harm's way... and she would do anything to protect herself. But what if she knew, for a fact, that she received the same trust in return? Then the problem would be gone, no...?

That wasn't it. She became angered because... she was hurt. It didn't make sense - she felt hurt knowing that Aki trusted her? The logic wasn't there, but the feeling certainly was. It made Chihiro uncomfortable. 'You idiot. Don't trust me,' she wished Aki could hear her thoughts.

Then suddenly, a sense of urgency came over her. "D-Don't... trust me. Please, don't. You'll only get... get..."

The mirror seemed to warp Chihiro's appearance. No, she had to make sure, at all costs, that she was not trusted by anyone else.

Because to be trusted... was just a troublesome endeavor.

--

"I'm gonna go, Hiro-tan!"

With the ringing of the dismissal bell, Aki waved to Chihiro. "Aki-yan. You're going home now, right?"

"Yep! I mean, I don't have anywhere else to go now that band practice's cancelled for today. Unless you wanna go somewhere?"

"E-Er... not today. Maybe some other time?"

Bidding Aki a hesitant goodbye, Chihiro watched her exit the door before burying her face in her arms. She'd done all of this, and for what? For what, Chihiro?!

The minutes she spent in the school bathroom yesterday had scared her. She turned paranoid, to the point of creating this strange plan... and her emotions became out of reach.

She finally came to the realization that 'trust', this foreign concept, was a reality, and now she was going to talk. With Izumi, Sorae, and Mai, specifically. She would do her absolute best to make them distrust her, so to restore the familiar, comfortable feeling in her heart - She even cancelled rehearsal to make space for the right timing. Today, she would head to Haneoka to make everything feel 'right' again. To reverse the effects of this realization, which ached to think about. She didn't care if it could go wrong - The Chihiro in the present moment was severed from those kinds of possibilities. She just... wanted it to return to the way it was before.

Something in her had changed. Now, tuning to the right frequency was impossible; all there was in her head was radio static, a lifeless disconnection between herself and herself.

She stared at her phone screen, at the temporary group chat she created yesterday for this express purpose. Her own messages were on the right, whilst everyone else's were on the left - Izumi, Sorae, Mai - but Aki wasn't there. 'Of course she isn't,' Chihiro thought, 'I left her out deliberately.'

She'd tried very hard to justify Aki's rant to her, the afternoon of the day before yesterday. 'Aki only told me those things to toy with me. She told me those things to gain my trust, so she can break it in the future,' Chihiro remembered thinking. But the vulnerability, the empty tears, and the scarlet blood trickling down Aki's hand... The spell of deception Chihiro cast over herself finally expired. This was the realization, and she couldn't escape it any longer:

'In this world, there really are people who put their trust in me.' And that truth shook Chihiro to the core. No matter what... she had to be sure no one else would do the same. That was what the plan aimed to achieve.

In truth, she didn't know why the prospect of being trusted scared her, but she understood that this plan was her grasping at straws. She understood that she was trying to recover a lie, to make herself feel better, by convincing herself to live in a land of falsehoods and fiction. But she didn't care anymore - The bitter truth tore Chihiro apart from the inside, starting from her heart. And if the gauze to protect her was woven of lies, then so be it.

"Chihiro-chan?"

"Eek! A-Ah, Sorae-chan..." A voice derailed her train of thought and Chihiro jerked her head up to see Sorae. Since rehearsal wasn't going to happen, the girl didn't have her bass on her back. That disheveled hair of hers seemed even messier today.

There was a glint of concern in Sorae's eyes. "S-So we're... going to Haneoka, right? 'Cause you, um... wanna talk about something?"

"... Yeah." It was all part of the plan. Chihiro got up from her chair and exited the room. Students filled the hallways, unsuitably lively.

The two tried talking about the band or about anime, but the tense air crept into them like a disease. They fell silent. They stepped outside where the sun, approaching the end of a rainy season, shone like a gentle pat on the head. Cars buzzed by. The sunlight seemed to burn a little on the surface of Chihiro's hair... Summer really was approaching fast.

Chihiro wondered what it was like to hang out with friends on a humid midsummer day, under the peak of the sun's journey. The view of a concrete forest would waver under the sweltering heat and cicadas would lull them to exhaustion beneath the shade of an oak tree. With a can of soda in hand, they'd complain about the weather, seeking out somewhere indoors - That was what Chihiro imagined. Unfortunately, this year, she would likely no longer have the 'friends' to confirm that imagination.

"Er... Sorae-chan?" Unknowingly sinking into the depths of her daydreams, Chihiro snapped out of it when the timid girl beside her slowed to a halt.

"Chihiro-chan..." Sorae had a hand to her face, and paranoia lit a flickering fire in her eyes. She spoke quietly. "I-I just wanna know... Why isn't Aki-chan here?"

"Huh? Oh, right. I'll, uh... explain when we get there, when everyone's with us." Chihiro replied, although she doubted they'd understand even if she explained. After all, even she herself was unsure of what her intention was.

Excluding Aki was a deliberate decision, and for one plain reason: There was no point to her being there. Chihiro's goal in this plan was to make the others distrust her, but she knew well that Aki was too far gone in her reckless stupidity - Aki already trusted her too much, enough so to spill her own deepest secrets, and Chihiro wouldn't be able to change that easily. So, she wasn't going to bother.

There, Chihiro sensed a second reason, floating to the surface. But she didn't understand it, and so kicked it into a back corner of her mind.

...

With the screaming silence growing between Chihiro and Sorae, she was almost glad when they arrived at the gates of Haneoka Girls' High School. Until she realized that it was finally time to face everyone. Well, everyone except Aki.

Izumi and Mai were there to greet them, but the uneasiness only grew louder. The curly-haired drummer wasn't so bubbly anymore.

"Sooo~, you're here to talk, right? Please feel right at home." Izumi's words held a tinge of suspicion.

"Yeah, well... not with so many people around."

"I infer this is a serious matter, yes?" Mai acknowledged. "If you need a quieter place, then please, follow me."

She whipped around, leading the way, and Sorae tailed closely. Izumi followed as well as she beckoned. "Hiro-tan, come on! You didn't cancel practice for nothing~."

"O-Okay." Chihiro's voice shook as she trailed after. What was she going to say? How would she accomplish her goal? She had to be efficient, and although she still didn't comprehend her motive well, she knew the process had to be quick and painless. 'It's a shame,' her mind wandered, 'I sank so much effort into this band project just to destroy it.' Surely, making them distrust her would render the band as broken as glass. But again, in that moment, Chihiro didn't mind such a sacrifice. Maybe her future self would come to regret it, but right now, all she could think was to run from this unnerving feeling. 'Just... stop trusting me.' That was the only thing she thought. That was why her body kept walking.

The world wobbled like a boat in a storm. Chihiro forced herself to breathe, but it only made the dizziness worse. Her head was down and she studied her feet with every disorienting step, only glancing up occasionally to catch up.

Aaand she stepped into a puddle. Now, wasn't that great? But she continued to glare at her shoes, lost in a trance of hazy resolve. How did she even get here? Nothing but plan after stupid plan. Ripples after ripples, rain after rain... Future idiot after past idiot.

Finally coming to a stop, Chihiro looked up. This was it - She couldn't turn back. This was where she would crush it all into a million pieces. Yet Chihiro couldn't help but be unsettled by the silent solitude of this side of the school, what with the dreary shadows, suffocatingly unmoving air, or the three girls kept in wait, standing before her. Strangely, Sorae loosened up a little in this place, though some part of Chihiro wished Sorae would stay on her guard.

"So, Chihiro-san." Mai began tactfully, stoic curiosity in her russet eyes. "... What are you here to discuss?"

Chihiro leaned stiffly against the unfamiliar school building. "Right..." She was unprepared. Her head was still an alphabet soup of nonsense, thoughts strewn about like garbage - Suddenly, she'd found herself only a dozen of milliseconds away from the end. Inwardly panicking, she tried collecting her thoughts as quickly as possible, but they kept slipping from her fingers, and her brain raced to come up with something, anything to begin with:

"I... I'm sick of all of you."

GAH--!! Are you serious? She had to pick THAT intro out of every one available?! God, she certainly wanted them to distrust her, but not to outright despise her! Great, and she still had a slim glimpse of hope that this band project could continue even after this, but now it was shut away eternally...! Chihiro felt like she'd been encased in a dark and colorless jelly, and her ears rung, and the pressure fought to crush her skull... This was really it. The story was as good as over. It was unelegant and unsatisfying, but the catharsis could kill her.

Sorae's eyes widened, and she began to tremble. Even Mai looked slightly taken aback, but Izumi...

"Oh." Her face was a blank slate, save for her eyes, which narrowed. "How direct. I like it. Go on."

Did... Izumi expect this?

"Erm..." Mai, on the other hand, just barely kept her cool. "I-I concur. Could you go into detail?"

"Y-Yeah. I said what I said." Chihiro's mouth moved on its own. "I'm sick of all you idiots, and I seriously don't care about any of you. I can't believe you never caught onto what I was really going for when I made the band! I don't give half a crap about bands or music or whatever, and I especially don't care about making silly little friends. All I needed from you people was to fill in band roles, and once your usefulness ran out," she glanced at her nails, "I'd leave you all behind. Of course I would've - You're all a bunch of imbeciles."

Chihiro looked away. Whether it was to seem aloof, or because she didn't want to meet their gazes, searing into her, she didn't know. "I mean, hey, Izumin? You were a shrimpy little weird kid who wouldn't say a word when I first met you. Then once I cracked you open like the gullible egg you are, the yolk was just a hyperactive idiot. Sorae-chan, plain and simple: Antisocial shut-in. And Mai-san... you sorta proved your own prick-ness right in front of everyone, didn't you?"

She had no idea what was happening. These words flowed much too naturally, as if they were in Chihiro's native tongue. "God, I can't stand you people. I can't believe I actually bothered recruiting any of you when you can't even play your instruments properly. Guess I set my standards low, huh...?" She chuckled against her will - Chihiro didn't want to care for her bandmates, but even she knew this was too much. But then, she noticed: Two halves of her brain, fighting desperately for control. One half had its hand on the main panel.

"Well, anyway," her mouth continued moving, "I'm just wondering if you can step it up or something? 'Cause I'm just saying, I'm getting really tired of dealing with you guys for no reward. You know how business works? The profit's like, negative on my end." The other half of her brain had been practically incapacitated. Now, it was total domination.

The next time Chihiro took a look at her audience would be right now. Her gaze fell onto Sorae. Oh... no. The girl's amber eyes were glazed over with a liquid - tears - and she stood there, paralyzed, noiseless, in shock. A part of Chihiro wanted greatly to reach out, but her body refused to move, and Mai got there first. The forest-haired girl bent down ever so slightly with a concerned expression. Izumi, however, didn't pay Sorae the same mind - Her attention was on Chihiro.

"... What the hell are you saying, you bastard...?" Izumi hissed with a voice as quiet as the once defensive Takimoto-senpai. Her glare was purely hostile.

Chihiro's arms crossed on their own. "H-Huh? I'm saying, do better. I just think we've wasted too much time already. Can't we do some real band stuff? I know I said I don't care about it, but I definitely prefer that over pretending like I wanna hang out with you morons."

"..."

"Look, I don't mind kicking you out if you don't feel like it. I think it could be a win-win for both of us if I did."

"... Piss off."

"I-If I may ask, Chihiro-san..." Mai interrupted their staring contest. "This regards the band, no? If so, where is Aki-san?"

"Hm, Aki-yan..." As if she hadn't been leaning against the wall already, Chihiro pressed herself further into the surface. She wanted badly to sink through and escape their devastated stares. "She's not here because she's fine. I have my qualms with that prissy fox prick, but at least she's doing her job in the band, unlike some people." Her face contorted into a smirk. "S-So I'm not gonna waste my time nagging her. Plus, if I talked to her like this, she'd punt me into the sun and back, then drop the band... I can't risk losing such a useful asset yet, y'know?"

Izumi's hands had curled into fists and her eye twitched. She shifted forward. "Hey. Listen to me, jerkoff." Her growling voice was edged with disdain. "Did you come here just to spit your BS? If you hate this band crap so much, why did you start it?"

"Smart question, Izumin. I wonder..." Chihiro paused. Her brain had melted into a bog of TV static, and her bones felt like they'd crumbled a long time ago. The pressure on her frail body made her wonder about the density of amniotic fluid. She wondered if she could be reborn somewhen far in the future, without memory of these horrible words. Her lips felt foreign when they opened - There was no point in lying anymore. "Just to be popular, I guess."

"You... guess?! You 'guess', you son of a--"

"Izumi-senpai." Mai didn't need to lift a finger to stop Izumi's hand, one second away from leaving a mark on Chihiro's face. "Do not resort to that. Please." The command was stern, but desperate.

Izumi complied. She backed away two small steps and stood there, silently. The heaving, furious breaths she took could be seen rising and falling on her petite figure.

The two halves of Chihiro's mind were back to a confrontation. Now, the controls for her conscious functions were unattended, and she stopped talking - She couldn't even move a muscle. Chihiro could swear her body was malfunctioning.

She swept a gaze across the three. Or rather, the sight of them was registered, as light passed the lens of her eyes, and transmitted as data to be processed in the brain: Sorae hadn't said a word since the start; Mai stood unmovingly, almost frozen; Izumi's teeth were clenched, and her turquoise eyes looked red with fury. Sadly, the processing center that was Chihiro's brain had shut down already. All she could do was stand there and watch, blankly, without emotion.

"I knew it." Izumi's voice was flat. "I can't trust anyone after all. Bastard."

Izumi turned away and started moving closer to the mouth of the alley-like area. With each step the girl took, Chihiro could feel a fragment of sanity breaking away. This was what she wanted, right? To be distrusted...? But as Izumi got close to turning the corner, she stopped, and spoke. "I don't care what you plan on doing from now on. That's your problem, not mine." She looked away.

"Bye." Around the corner she disappeared, and just like that, Izumi was gone.

Completely, and utterly, gone.

A low, crazed giggle emanated, and Chihiro only realized after a few moments that it was coming from her own mouth. Her consciousness felt like it was miles away from her fragile, mortal body, standing there on Haneoka's school grounds in front of Sorae and Mai, and she mused on what death felt like. She was only brought back to reality when she felt a force on her hip - Pavement. Her legs had buckled beneath her, and she fell on the ground.

Chihiro's back was still glued to the wall when she sat there, hopeless, helpless, wishing for a way out. But there was none.

This was what she wanted, wasn't it?

Because now, she could... She'd restored everything to the way it was before. Distrust was so familiar. Now, she could... once again...

Sorae and Mai stayed in their positions for another moment. Then, Mai headed the same direction Izumi did, quietly, throwing a look of confusion and pity behind her.

Chihiro watched Sorae's feet tap-dance frantically between leaving and staying. 'Take the hint, Sorae-chan.' She thought, sitting there on the ground. 'Don't trust me. And I won't trust you in return.'

"I-I... I don't believe you, Chihiro-chan."

"Huh?"

Chihiro glanced up, only to see nothing. Before she even realized, Sorae had already left. But the girl's words remained, like residue, where she stood a second ago.

Everyone was finally gone. It left an empty space in Chihiro's core, but it was the most fulfilling emptiness she had ever felt. It was cathartic, but excruciating. Exhilarating... but agonizing. Her body felt artificial, like it didn't belong to her anymore. She only just fully processed the situation, but it was too late - The battle of the two sides of her brain left a void in its wake, and in that void did Chihiro finally understand what she wanted.

It was... to be able to hate without regret.

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Trivia

 * Upon reading this story, the song another 3:32am is unlocked.