AMBiTiON/Story/Ch. 16

Chapter 16 - Starless Day
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"What'd you... need me for?" Aki treaded as carefully as she could with the question, curious but worried.

"Agh... Sorry, Aki, I didn't get enough mental prep and now I'm blanking." Toshiko muttered. "I can't believe they made me do this..."

The two girls stood on the side of the corridor, right by the back door of classroom 1-C. Chihiro and Sorae had already left via the front door a moment ago, to their usual lunch spot on Aki's request, and... Aki swore she saw Suzume, Michi, and Haru standing nearby, but now the three were nowhere to be seen.

Strange... they'd been there when Toshiko was asking Aki for her time. But if this really was a serious conversation as she'd feared, perhaps they had simply slipped away knowing this would take a while. After all, Toshiko was never good at dealing with this kind of thing.

Aki could feel her worry growing and she tried to think good thoughts. 'It's fine, don't worry. I know I've been a bother to you four since day one. You can say it. We all know it. I'll be okay with it. Sorry.'

And finally, Aki settled with, "It's okay! Take your time, Toshiko-chan."

Although around them in the hall were students passing by like cars on a highway, the atmosphere around Aki and Toshiko was so tense, it seemed as if no one else were there.

"I know I'm totally gonna come off rude, but Aki," the raspberry-haired girl said to her, with a hesitant look at the floor, "for the sake of both of us, I'm gonna speed this up. Deal?"

Aki awkwardly chuckled. "Uh, okay. Deal."

--

Chihiro found herself sitting at their lunch spot in the courtyard, though it was hours after lunch break - 4:41PM, to be exact, after Aki finished dragging her to Volleyball Club. Well, that wasn't quite right - Chihiro had accepted Aki's offer to join her, though not understanding why she did such a thing, Chihiro didn't want to consider it voluntary. Leaning against her folded legs, she murmured. "Old friends, huh...?"

She couldn't dwell on her memory longer, as Aki spoke. "Yeah." She smiled stiffly. The afternoon sun seemed blinding compared to that dark expression of hers. "B-By the way, sorry to have you sit down then suddenly listen to all this. I didn't feel like talking on the way here, not when I was gonna start ranting..."

"Uh... it's fine." Chihiro could only utter. She'd only just sworn off caring about anything that came from Aki's mouth, so how did she find herself sitting here, listening to her troubles?

Chihiro recapped Aki's story to herself. The reason why that Toshiko Higashiki girl spoke to Aki yesterday was simple: She - or all four of those girls, rather - had grown unsure of their friendship with Aki. The first thing Higashiki said out in the hallway was, "Aki, why'd you befriend us back in middle school?" To the four of them - Aki said their band name was 'Sugar✧Rush', but they never did band stuff, so it hardly mattered - Aki had always felt out of place, ever since she befriended them in the first year of middle school. Higashiki chalked it up to Aki's immense talent, and that she'd seemed out of their league since the start. They tried to understand her, but ultimately failed.

When Chihiro roped Aki into the band project - and Chihiro didn't know this - Aki stopped talking with Sugar✧Rush for a brief time. The rift that formed made them decide to tell her about their internal issues, only for some closure before they figured things out.

Chihiro just about understood everything. She didn't want to, since she didn't intend on caring about Aki's problems, but somehow, she couldn't stop herself from listening. One question, however, still remained on Chihiro's mind.

The courtyard felt null of life. A bird's chirp rang out, but it sounded artificial. "Mind if I go on?" Aki said.

"... Sure." With a little contrived explanation in her head, Chihiro convinced herself that she was only listening to this thousand-word thesis to get information out of her. After all, she figured, Aki must've only been telling her this to pull at her heartstrings. Chihiro wasn't that gullible, but she was willing to do field research.

"Alright. So~... You know how Toshiko-chan said she thought I was out of their league? How... they all thought I was the smart kid who's always ahead?"

Chihiro nodded. Who didn't think that?

"It got me thinking. I feel like... that's all people know me for. It makes sense - that's all I've been advertised as. But... I hate it. I really, really do."

"What? How?" Chihiro couldn't stop herself from blurting out. To not want to be idolized was an impossible mindset only attainable for someone like Aki.

"Well, it just... makes me feel guilty. I know this isn't something people normally think, but I don't like being thought of that way." Aki sighed and hugged her knees. "Sure, I've succeeded, I've done good in school, but... I don't deserve it, do I? I only happened to be born smart. And I only happened to be born to parents that could put me through education. I never worked for it. So why does everyone congratulate me like I did something?"

The sentiment sounded rehearsed, like Aki had thought about it for years on end. Her voice was toneless. "The people who deserve my success are people who worked hard. I never did anything like that. So when people prop me up and say I'm talented, like Toshiko-chan did... I know she didn't mean anything by it, but it made me feel so bad. I hate being treated like I'm made of gold."

Aki spoke as if Chihiro weren't even there. Her blue eyes focused on nothing particular in the grass, and she murmured until she turned to Chihiro with a faint smile.

"And that's why I'm glad you're the way you are, Hiro-tan."

"M-Me?" Chihiro didn't expect to be spoken to so suddenly.

"Yeah. Do you remember," she looked away, "how before you invited me to the band, you never talked to me? T-This might sound weird, but that was kinda refreshing. Everyone else put me on a pedestal, but you didn't even care. Hiro-tan... you think of me as a normal person, don't you? I was glad about that - I still am. That's why I accepted your invitation so fast... because you just think of me the way you do everybody else. So maybe it wasn't your intention, but..." Aki had a warm look. "Thanks for thinking of me as just an average person. I like that about you."

Chihiro had only stayed silent to squeeze more secrets out of Aki, but now she was truly speechless. Her mind was empty. "... Are you coming onto me? Do you swing that way?"

"Huh? Well, I swing all ways, but-- H-Hold on!" Aki turned a little pink and frantically shook her head. "T-That's not what I meant! I was trying to say, I'm glad I got to meet you and join the band... That's all."

"Oh."

Now the air was more awkward than tense. Chihiro could only stare back at Aki and remark at just how much she got completely wrong about the vocalist. 'Me? Think of you as average? You're the most goddamn inhuman person I've ever met!' She laughed in her head, cruelly. Chihiro didn't ignore Aki because she thought she was normal - she ignored her because she thought she was way too spectacular! Except unlike everyone else who flocked to kiss the ground Aki walked on, Chihiro avoided her. Yes, she had thought a lot of Aki - prissy, two-faced, egotistical - but 'average' was not one of those. To be fair, neither was 'moron', but today Chihiro was proven wrong.

Of course, she didn't say this aloud. But not to play nice with Aki - it was to appease the part of her that despised using such descriptions for her.

They stayed quiet for a minute before Aki spoke again. "Speaking of the band, remember when Mai-san talked about the band name?"

"You mean that whole 'ambition' thing?"

"Yeah. Never gave her a proper response, but... I think I wanna tell you."

The one question Chihiro held onto not only remained, but was reinforced. She didn't ask it.

Up at a cloud-mottled sky Aki gazed, wistfully. "She mentioned how we don't have 'ambition'. How none of you guys really know what you want in the future. But for me... it's different." She closed her eyes. "I just don't need 'ambition' when my path is set in stone."

The pauses between them were deathly quiet. "Set... in stone?" Chihiro repeated.

"Okay, before I say it, I know it sounds ridiculous, but bear with me." Aki giggled before continuing.

"My family owns a clothing company and I have to inherit it."

"... What?" It was like a bomb dropped and detonated. What was Aki on about? "A-Actually? Can you, I dunno... elaborate?"

"Oh, right. It's more like my dad's the one who owns it. My mom does more of modelling."

And now it was a land mine. "I-I meant…" Chihiro gestured strangely, "Like, how is this related? Or..."

Aki sat up straighter when she finally got it, and she glanced away shamefully for mentioning something that only solidified her princess status. "Oh! Y-Yeah. Sorry." She narrowed her eyes at the ground, wincing. "I brought it up 'cause... Well, I just thought of it when I was talking about people thinking of me highly."

"See..." Aki gripped her own left forearm, tight. "It's true. I perform above average, and my parents know it. After all, they were the ones who made me this way, so when I go into the business, they can be sure I'll have no problem handling the job. But..."

Her smile started to fade into something more natural. "It makes me feel really lonely. Not just literally, since my parents are always off at work, but also, it makes me feel so different from everyone. They get to worry about their futures, but I'm already on the fast-track to something I never asked for, passing every day... heading towards an inevitable reality." The light in her eyes were gone. "It feels like my childhood's getting drained away."

"Aki-yan..."

But it was like she hadn't heard Chihiro. "You know, I've gotten pretty used to doing the chores at home. Mom and Dad are always working, after all. But sometimes, it feels like I'm taking care of my own parents. Sometimes, I can't tell who I am anymore."

"Aki-yan! Wait!" Chihiro finally interrupted. "S-Sorry, but I'm curious... Who knows about this? And what company is this, anyways?"

"Hm?" The light in Aki's eyes suddenly returned like magic. "Ah, right. Only the school staff knows - I never told any classmates. Well, I kind of told Toshiko-chan and the others, but no details. As for the company... Ugh." Aki cringed. "Have you heard of a clothes store called 'Starrily Sail'?"

Chihiro could swear it seemed familiar. "... The one in the mall?"

"Mhm."

"But isn't more of those branch stores popping up around Tokyo?!"

"That's the one~." Aki chuckled, looked away, and gripped harder at her arm, almost clawing into it.

"Seriously...?" Chihiro cocked her head to one side - She wanted to gain information, sure, but she hadn't expected on being thrown headfirst into the deep end of Aki's pool of secrets. How was this happening... and why?

The air became heavy with another silence. Chihiro's single, burning question felt as if it was about to burst, and she couldn't wait to ask any longer. "Hey, Aki-yan. I want to know. Why are you tel--"

"What the--?"

But before Chihiro finished, Aki had already started saying something else... Yet, this didn't seem to be in her script. Aki lifted her left arm at the speed of lightning.

Blood. It was a thin trail, just beginning to trickle down her wrist. The source was hidden beneath her other hand, still holding on tightly. But not just that... Chihiro saw it. For a split second, her face brightened.

"Awh, geez." Aki sounded too nonchalant. "I should go to the bathroom and wash this--"

She stood up, making to leave, but now Chihiro was the one to interrupt. "Hey." Her voice became forceful and she stood abruptly as well - She was dying to know. "... What WAS that?"

"Um... blood?" Aki smiled, but she was backing away. "Guess I opened up a cut."

"Not that. Your face, Aki-yan... Just then, you looked happy about it."

In an instant Aki's eyes widened and she slapped her unbloodied right hand over her mouth, but it didn't matter - Chihiro already saw it. For a few moments they both stood there, frozen. This wasn't supposed to happen. Then Aki took hold of her bag and tried to make a run for it.

"H-Hey!" Chihiro raised her voice. "Aki-yan! What's going on?" She knew from the start she wouldn't be able to catch up once Aki got any farther than she did. So, she opted to use her words.

Luckily, Aki did stop. She turned slowly with a look of deep regret. "I can't..." She shifted backwards, and she held her bag meekly in front of her, as if for protection. "I can't tell you. I'm sorry."

"Oh, come on. You've already told me this much."

"..."

"Seriously." Chihiro stood her ground. "I'm worried. Get back over here."

Aki's face was pale, but she seemed to realize something. She stayed in her position, seven or so meters away. "You're worried?"

"... Yeah." It was the truth. Chihiro hated it, that chocolate-flavored truth, but she'd been forcefed another bite. Aki loosened up. "... Oh, what does it matter? You already saw." Her shoulders sagged. With a slow plod, she returned to Chihiro's side, and she collapsed into the seat. Her bag landed by her shoes.

Both of them seemed so lost. Chihiro sat back down and confronted. "Tell me something. Anything."

"... Fine." Aki stared blankly at the blood on the back of her hand. "Now, let's see, where should I start...?"

Those eyes were empty. "Hiro-tan, would you say you're a bad person?"



Chihiro's heart skipped a beat at the question... Huh? It struck her deep somewhere, yet within that psychological wound, she found no answer.

Aki's giggle was forced. "It's just rhetorical. But, I didn't wanna explain because... I don't want you to hate me."

Hate her? Chihiro didn't even know where she was going with this anymore.

"I'll simplify it best I can." Aki curled into a miserable ball and buried her face in her knees. A grim sigh escaped. "I think I'm a bad person. It might be hard to get, but… I'm sick of myself."

Under her downturned face, she explained. "You know how it's always like, bad people get rewarded, and good people suffer? Don't you think that means... I'm a bad person? I've had everything in my life handed to me from the start - intelligence, sociability, my entire future... I know I said I wasn't the biggest fan of inheriting the company, but logistically, don't you think it's easier that way? I won't have to worry about job insecurity or anything." Her voice was taut.

"So then... why? Why am I still here, whining and complaining? Why do I fuss about the fact that my life is predetermined, written out, and easy to walk on? ... How have I taken everything for granted, and why can't I just learn to stop complaining?"

"That's where this comes in." Aki raised her left hand, the trace of blood still visible. Her other hand still covered the wound as if to hide it, though it wasn't gruesome, so Chihiro wondered why. "Like I said, my parents are never home, so I'm left to my own devices. The other day, I was gonna cut an apple or something, but when I held the knife, I glanced at my arm..." Aki wrapped her arms around herself, tight. "Next thing I knew, a light little cut showed up."

Chihiro had been shocked wordless - This afternoon became a nightmare a long time ago. "I-I don't get it. Why?"

"Yeah. Why, hm?" She murmured. "Hiro-tan, I don't wanna worry you when I say this, but..." Her countenance was unreadable.

"... I want myself to suffer for once."

"Huh?"

Chihiro's blood ran cold and she stared, slack-jawed. What. The hell? "W-Wait, you're not saying you wanna..." Her voice dropped to a whisper, "d-die, are you?"

"No, no." Despite the grave implication, Aki was chillingly calm. "I'm not trying to find a way out. I'm trying to get a taste of real suffering, so that maybe, I'll learn what it means." Now, she was almost humoring herself. "Maybe something happens to the company, or even to me... Anything, to give me something real to cry about. I wanna be able to justify my emotions. So if I go through something unequivocally bad... I'll finally be able to say I feel hurt!" A cold smile showed. "That's why the wound happened, and when I got reminded of it... yeah. Don't misunderstand - I don't enjoy getting hurt. I don't think anyone does. But I just think I deserve to understand. That's it."

Yet with that demeanor, her breath became quicker. "But... that's horrible. I'm horrible. What sane person wishes suffering on themselves? There's people out there being tortured by that same suffering, and I want it, just to justify myself? Just to validate my fragile feelings? I must be going crazy, if I've learned to want such a thing, for such a shallow reason..."

Aki's breathing seemed to stop with the flow of time. "I feel terrible about this. Sometimes I end up thinking, this makes me so terrible that I should also suffer because of that. Then I get stuck in a funny loop!"

She laughed an incredibly fake laugh, and Chihiro's heart dropped. Aki's hair was dyed lilac in the golden sunlight, and it wavered gently in the breeze, but the soft scene was defied by the glimmer in her eyes - tears. Though, not tears of sadness... They were emotionless, of someone so familiar with them, they went unnoticed. For the first time, Chihiro saw a tired dullness in them. The cheerful silhouette of Aki had been replaced by a shadow, never before put on display. The girl sitting next to Chihiro... did she know her anymore?

Aki's smile was soft and she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I wasn't gonna tell you this originally, but it's okay. I know this is horrible, so please, feel free to hate me. I've accepted the inevitable."

"I don't hate you."

Aki looked genuinely surprised. So was Chihiro, at her own words. It wasn't that she secretly hated Aki - for any of those 'circumstances', at least - it was that she didn't expect to say anything at all. Chihiro didn't want to care about anyone anymore. But the gears inside her had changed, and the words came out on their own will.

"Hiro-tan, you don't have to lie to make me feel better--"

"I don't get you, but I don't hate you. And if I say I don't hate you, then I don't. Take it or leave it."

"... Alright. Thank you."

Aki stood up once more. This time, Chihiro didn't stop her. "By the way~," Aki's tone became bouncy and casual again so quickly it gave Chihiro whiplash. She showed the back of her hand with a whimsical smile, "I gotta go to the bathroom and wash this off. Wanna come with?"

"Huh? Oh, sure." With that, Aki turned, but Chihiro wasn't done. "But I had one question I never got to ask."

"Hm? Go ahead, shoot."

"About the stuff with Higashiki-san and the others, and your parents' company, and that... last bit." Chihiro looked Aki in the eyes.

"I had one question. Why were you telling me this?"

She thought it might have been a sensitive question, but instead, Aki let out a giggle. "That's the simplest part," she answered.

"It's 'cause I trust you, Hiro-tan!"

And that was the part that angered Chihiro the most.

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Trivia

 * Aki's initial 3* card is displayed in this story.