AMBiTiON/Story/Ch. 18

Chapter 18 - Morals
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As the bell chimed and everyone began to take their leave, a girl stayed put in her seat.

A familiar girl with violet hair bid her a friendly goodbye, but the girl only murmured, lost in a trance, a subdued one in return.

She sat by the wall, in the third row out of five. A seat like that was nothing to pay attention to, and she hoped no one was. Finally, as if something alerted her, the girl's gaze sharpened and she got up from her chair. Grabbing her bag, she lumbered toward the door and left without a word.

It was back to square one, Chihiro supposed.

'Square one'. That was, assuming she would ever do this again. And that assumption was completely false. There would be no more band activity, no more collaborative effort - From now on, she'd never let herself work with other people. Her emotions would never obstruct her ever again.

'To be able to hate without regret'... Was that really why she rendered all her effort for naught?

Chihiro felt like she existed in a limbo, in the epilogue of a tragedy - This episode of her life was over, and she wasn't eager for the next just yet. It seemed as if the band project had only just begun, along with Chihiro's long-awaited life of love and stardom. It was in its infancy... but she committed infanticide. 'No need to fantasize,' she tried to satisfy her persistent side, 'about what you could or couldn't have done.' But it was hard. For so long, she wanted to be loved, and just when she thought she caught hold of a lead, it vanished in her hands - By her own actions, no less. Why on Earth did this happen?! One way or another, they all disappeared... and she was tired. This unlucky streak would follow her, forever.

Chihiro exited the school building. The sun was warm. She never thought the day would come, but the silence of her mind and text notifications seemed alienating and unfamiliar. Izumi stopped spamming on the group chat, and Sorae hadn't even come to find Chihiro and Aki for lunch that day - Monday, three days after Chihiro's 'distrust plan' went off without a hitch. This was the consequence of what she asked for: To be left alone.

'Hate without regret' - An idea well-acquainted with, but as a motive? It was refreshing.

... For now, Chihiro figured, she wanted to lay low before embarking on her next story. Life had finally beaten down her determination, and she felt utterly defeated. Yet if that was the case... why was there another page to be read? Why was there a dim spark in her psyche, flickering with what little warmth remained?

Why were there still two sides of a dilemma in her head?

Some time ago, Chihiro noticed a rift in her mind. She supposed at some point, it split itself into two halves. One was of apathy, bitterness, and envy donning toxic green - the mind she'd grown accustomed to. The other half was a stranger, a budding sprout. She wasn't sure when it showed up, but the first time she took notice was when she tasted that first truth, just last week or so. Chihiro didn't know it at the time, but the cup of ice cream that day was already melting, having waited aeons for her to acknowledge it.

Chihiro had stood side by side with her friend in green. They stared upon the stranger with distrust, and her companion bared its teeth. Yet, the newcomer only said one thing: 'You care about them, don't you?' This was the chocolate-flavored epiphany it delivered to her. 'You do care, Chihiro Satou.'

She rejected it at first - She wanted to believe the stranger was a liar. It was a stranger, after all, and how could she have known it was actually a part of herself? But later the same day, that stupid girl Aki asked Chihiro to talk. 'Come to Volleyball Club with me,' that idiot said, though Chihiro wondered if she herself was the idiot in that moment, for letting that strange new half of her consciousness take control. 'Okay,' she ended up replying.

With the sight of crimson on the back of Aki's hand, the newcomer in Chihiro's mind caught her by surprise and held on, hard. 'Aki-yan... why do you trust me?' It planted its creeping roots and grew like a tumor. 'I'm not ready,' Chihiro wanted to say, 'to let myself get hurt again. I'm not ready to forgive.'

That was why she went to Haneoka in the following day and spat those words of plastic betrayal. It was a final stand made by her defensive side against the stranger, and though it wasn't well executed... it worked. It worked, and now the lonely Chihiro was hand in hand with her friend in green again. No one else would interrupt this isolation. 'To be able to hate without regret'. Odd, huh? She'd always hated people without ever feeling guilty. And why should she? They had it coming for ostracizing her all this time. So why was it that now, Chihiro had to make such an effort to keep her feelings of regret at bay, just to do something as simple as 'hating'?

No matter how hard she tried, a bittersweet tumor will always grow back. Like a waxing moon, in a clear, summer night sky.

Chihiro didn't realize how far she'd walked from school until her shoe collided with a puddle of water - Ripples - and she snapped out of her philosophy. Now, she found herself right at the stairs of her usual train station. 'Well, here I am.' She wondered if she would see Izumi and Mai, or if they'd try to avoid her. It would be understandable if they did.

"Ugh..." Her stomach suddenly ached from anxiety, and she fought to drive it back. Why should she be anxious? This was all over. She didn't know these girls anymore, and she wasn't going to worry about it, either.

Tmp, tmp. Despite the sounds of other people, Chihiro's footsteps on the stairs to the platform rang out, crystal clear.

Everything came into view, and there she was, the aloof Izumi. Unlike her usual position, she was up front and near the train tracks, an inch from the yellow line. Mai was present as well, but she stood far off, as if not even having an association with Izumi. They were both silent.

Tmp, tmp. Izumi stared boredly into the train tracks, emotionless. It was nothing like the person that Chihiro knew; This girl was Takimoto-senpai. But so what if she didn't know her? She was a stranger now. Chihiro would simply walk past her, like she would any other stranger...

Tmp, tmp... Squeak. Her shoe made friction on the wet ground. In the last moment, Chihiro abruptly came to a stop and froze up at a meter's distance; That mysterious half of her mind had taken hold again, and she cursed it. Izumi's brows furrowed, though neither uttered a word.

"H-Hey, Izumin..." Her voice broke. When Izumi shot a side glance at her, Chihiro instantly regretted approaching.

Animosity. Loathing. It was hard to describe the hatred in her cold, teal glare. It was a bubbling cauldron of resentment, and beneath it all, distrust and perhaps fear fueling sparks from a hot fire. Her profile faced Chihiro, and her voice was flat, edged with distaste.

"What's your problem?" It came out as a low growl. "You have some audacity to speak to me. I don't like wasting my time with backstabbers. Especially not ones who talk behind people's backs. So get the hell away from me," she snarled, "Satou."

Like blitzes of lightning, Izumi stormed away without another word. Chihiro's heart dropped - Ouch. Of course, she didn't know what she was thinking. If anything, she would wager that she wasn't thinking at all. Why did she try to talk to Izumi? The band project was already over. Chihiro didn't care anymore, and she swore it. But an invisible thread between herself and Izumi pulled, taut, at her throat and threatened to choke.

"Chihiro-san."

"Wha--?!" Chihiro jumped in surprise. Mai had appeared right behind her, and her russet eyes held slight concern. "May I speak with you?" Mai said.

"... For what?"

"You will see. But let us keep distance from Izumi-senpai - I doubt she enjoys our provoking presence."

The pair of first-years stepped away from the platform edge, staying away from Izumi's brooding figure. "So what's the deal here?" Chihiro asked. "I hope you're not trying to get the band back. I sort of gave up on that already."

Mai's face lit with a mild curiosity, but it did not express itself in her words. "... I'm here to pass on a message on Sorae-senpai's behalf."

"From Sorae-chan? She asked you to...?"

"I suppose I was the only one she could talk to. You were the cause of the conflict last Friday, Izumi-senpai seems to be avoiding contact, and Aki-san isn't even aware of this situation... as far as I know." Mai glanced away with a lock of green hair between her fingertips. "Plus, Sorae-senpai and I have conversed before."

"Well then... spill it. What did she say?"

"Do you recall when we left our place of conversation at Haneoka? When Izumi-senpai took her leave, then Sorae-senpai and I left soon thereafter." Mai tilted her head, a strand of hair falling over her shoulder. "Sorae-senpai said something when we left, did she not? Something along the lines of... 'I don't believe you'?"

"... Yeah, I remember." Chihiro didn't want to believe that her plan hadn't worked after all. She just wanted to be distrusted. It wasn't a high ask, so why did Sorae say that? "So what?"

"She requested for me to tell you why that was said."

"Which is?"

"It was because she trusts you, Chihiro-san."

Chihiro sighed - Damn it! Even her plan to be distrusted failed too? Just when she wanted it the most, suddenly people were as gullible as children. "What the hell..." She breathed out. "Is that all she said?"

"It was the only relevant part. I think she only wanted to reinforce the idea that you were trusted. Mayhaps she thought it could change your attitude."

"Heh, well, tough luck. You people failed me, so I ripped the contract." Chihiro glanced away with a jaded glare at the ground. "She can't change my mind with stupid sentiments."

"But can I change your mind with logical proof?"

"... Huh?"

Chihiro snapped her gaze back at Mai, who returned it with determination. "I was not intending on simply being a messenger. I am a human, not a carrier pigeon." Mai spoke with an edge of confidence. "So I will refute you."

A train screeched to a halt at the platform edge - their train, in fact. People began to file out. "Refute-- What are you talking about? There's nothing to 'refute'!"

"On the contrary. Come aboard, Chihiro-san, and I will present my thoughts on this matter."

They stepped over the gap between the platform and the train then, after a few moments, the vehicle started moving once more. Chihiro stared at the scenery outside the train, speeding past the windows. Things were changing. "First," Mai's hand gripped the train handle overhead, "I'd like to acknowledge the basis of Sorae-senpai's disbelief. While I agree, I think her stance is based in intuition and trust alone." She closed her eyes. "Meanwhile, I have other reasons for disbelieving your outburst that day."

Chihiro couldn't even get a word in before Mai began her diatribe. "For one, you allegedly rounded us up to have that conversation about our performance in the band. However, I find it strange you'd cancel rehearsal just for that. Why would you chide us about our performance, but also physically obstruct our ability to improve it? It seems hypocritical, no? As well, I thought your speech patterns were uncharacteristic and forced, almost as if you were improvising. To be fair, I am not an expert on speech patterns, so this is a weak point. Thirdly, you had a strange breakdown when Izumi-senpai left, which seemed more psychological than physical. I doubt you would've just sat there in silence if you suffered from a sudden symptom of a medical condition, so I think it's more likely you simply entered a dazed state, possibly from experiencing something out of the ordinary, and was recovering from the mental change. The only strange experience we witnessed is, of course, your outburst. And if it was truly that strange, that should mean the behavior you displayed isn't something you normally do."

"Finally," she continued, "just a moment ago, you said that you 'gave up' on the band. Why would you have gone to such lengths just to give up now? I believe that is an inconsistency too." Mai stared into Chihiro's eyes and took in a well-needed breath. "I understand these may seem like weak points, but seen as a whole, I definitely think something is off. So tell me, Chihiro-san: What is the truth for what you did that day?"

It felt like a lock shattered into a million pieces, and Chihiro could barely keep herself standing. "I..."

If only Chihiro was more quick-witted - and she liked to think she was - but unfortunately, she was unable to come up with a decent explanation for all these discrepancies. However, even if Chihiro didn't have the power of wits, there was one thing she leaned on for as far as she could remember - stubbornness. This lie would be kept up for a while yet.

"... A-Actually..." A stiff smile showed. "You're wrong. None of those reasons make any sense. And plus," Chihiro rolled her eyes, "why are you trying so hard to prove there's something wrong with what I said that day? Can't a girl be a little pushy?"

"... You're avoiding the question, Chihiro-san."

"W-Well, so are you! So riddle me this: Why are you trying to make me get the band back?"

Mai let out a forlorn sigh. "If I answer this question, will you answer mine?"

"Sure... why not?"

The train came to a gradual stop as it approached the first station. "Alright. I guess this could also count as part of my duty as Sorae-senpai's messenger. I did not feel I had to tell you this, but the tides have changed."

The doors slid open as a new pack of people came and went. "You see, Sorae-senpai also told me why she wanted to tell you this information. It was because she cares a lot for the existence of this band. According to her, she did not have many friends before this, so she values us quite a bit."

With a mechanical sound, the doors shut. The train began its steady march once more. "One could say this is part of her growth. Unfortunately, the conflict you presented has obstructed that. Sorae-senpai wishes to solve this, and although she has acted in the midst of such a conflict before, when I initially provoked her... that instance was between her and I. Now, though, she does not know where to place herself."

Mai turned a blank stare onto nothing, as if trying to recite Sorae's words. "She's... disappointed. She thought she overcame her tendency to not act in the face of challenge, but she couldn't even bring herself to talk to you directly. To be honest, I don't blame her for this. But in any case, there was one thing that Sorae-senpai thought could help mend this situation."

"One... thing?"

"She wants you to speak to Aki-san about this. After all, Aki-san has been left in the dark entirely. Sorae-senpai thinks you should consult her and repair this situation, with everyone in our band."

Chihiro's first instinct was to shake her head profusely. "N-No way! There's no way I can tell Aki-yan any of this!"

"And for what reason...?" Mai pressed.

She went quiet. There were two reasons Chihiro excluded Aki from this matter since the start - One, she was already aware of. If her intention was to make the girls distrust her, it would've been nigh impossible for Aki to do the same. After all that was disclosed that bloody afternoon, it was clear her trust was unwavering, so Chihiro didn't bother. But the other reason... she didn't know it at the time, but there was a second reason.

It was simple: Chihiro didn't want Aki to be hurt. She hated that she'd fallen prey to such fragile sentiments, but how long could she go on, turning away from every truth she encountered? She didn't want to see any more of Aki's blood; She didn't want to hurt her.

"I'll take that silence as an unwillingness to disclose," Mai's voice cut into Chihiro's hazy thoughts. "but I'd like you to consider it. Talk to Aki-san, and let us continue the band, alright?"

"Ugh. I don't know..." She groaned. "But now that I think about it, Izumin said something just then. She said I talk behind people's backs." Chihiro looked out the window, at a wide expanse of the city. "By 'people'... do you think she meant Aki-yan?"

"Possibly. It makes the most sense." Mai put a hand to her chin, before turning a driven glance at Chihiro. "Well, I explained why I want you to continue the band. Can you answer my question now?"

"... No."

Mai looked close to losing her patience. "Explain."

"You only told me why Sorae-chan wants to keep the band going. You never told me what YOU think, Mai-san. S-So go ahead!" Chihiro tried hard to continue the charade. "Unless you don't want me to explain what I did that day?"

"... Touche." The train approached another stop. Mai stole a glance at the station before blinking, uninterested. "This is the final stopping point I will accept before you answer my question."

"Moments ago," Mai sighed, "I mentioned that this band experience could be considered part of Sorae-senpai's 'growth'. In a similar manner, I believe it benefits my own growth as well."

"Benefits it... how?"

The train resumed its movement with a new batch of passengers. Mai stared at her faint reflection in the window with a profound, serious gaze. "I don't know."

... Silence. "Huh?"

"It's just as I said. I don't know how I benefit from this experience so far."

"You totally made it sound like you did though..."

"Yes, I did. However, I really have not learned what my moral is in this story. All I know is that such a moral does exist, and that my duty is to find it." Mai looked almost ashamed of her failure. "This is why I want the band to continue. I need to follow this lead, and discover what it is I am meant to learn."

Chihiro was puzzled. What was up with her? "'What you're meant to learn'? How do you even know there's anything to learn in the first place?"

Contemplatively, Mai turned to face her. "Well, each story has a theme. Sometimes, it presents itself as a moral. I can tell from what I have experienced thus far - from my sister Fuyuna, from Sorae-senpai - that there is a 'moral' for me to learn in my journey. Yet, I still can't seem to grasp it at all."

A sigh was heaved before she went on. "The lesson they try to teach me... something about my perfectionism, my criticalness... Though they condemn these qualities, I used to be praised for those exact things. I don't understand why they would try to undo this progress."

"Are you... putting on too much pressure?" Chihiro suggested. "Or overworking, or something?"

"They would have called it 'hardworking' when I was young. You know... I used to be much more proficient in schoolwork, especially in the field of literature. I was an avid reader and writer as a child, and the adults around me only praised me for my effort, or how well I did... Now, Fuyuna and Sorae-senpai brand it as 'overexertion', or whatever vocabulary with negative connotations they'd like to use." There was a mournful grief in those russet eyes, staring out at the skies, stretching beyond the horizon. Clouds veiled the blank canvas, thinly.

"I don't know what they want from me. If I'm not the best, I must be the worst. Do they expect me to settle for incompetence?" She scowled. "I just don't understand why something I was previously rewarded for would suddenly be bad now. Is that why I don't enjoy anything, now that I've grown older...?"

Chihiro was quiet - She knew the guitarist was a weird stoic nerd, but not to this extent. "H-Huh. Okay. Hey... by any chance, Mai-san, did you consider all this when you suggested that band name?"

"Indeed," she nodded, "though it is ironic how I'd suggest it when I barely comprehend it myself. It feels... like I am staring into a cloud of fog. Like wading through water, but not knowing how waves come to be. Like I'm trying to outrun myself."

'Deep,' Chihiro mused, but it surely wasn't sophisticated enough to say aloud. For an extended pause, the two were silent.

"Anyway," Mai then continued, "this is why I must cut through the fog and uncover the truth of my purpose - To find the moral, surely written out for me somewhere. And this is why I implore you to fix the state of our band. Is this enough of an answer?" She blinked with satisfaction and pierced her gaze into Chihiro's, who only glanced away in response.

Again, Chihiro tried hard to look for an excuse. She didn't want to reveal the true intentions behind her words that day at Haneoka, but as the seconds ticked, nothing came to mind. "... Yeah. It is."

"Good. Now please, answer my question. Why did you say what you did that afternoon?"

"... Fine. I'll say it." The train, again, slowed its marathon for the third time. Chihiro still wanted greatly not to reveal the truth, but she knew Mai would take no more excuses or delays. She had no choice.

They stepped closer to the train doors, gliding open. And as Mai strode over the gap to exit the train car, and as Chihiro followed...

"I was trying to get you guys to stop trusting me."

"Oh, I see." Mai accepted it with surprising ease. "Not that I expected such a motive, but it does explain some things."

They came to a stop near the edge of the new station platform - It was clear Mai wanted to hear the rest of the story before they kept moving. "But, of course, I am curious. Why would you want to be distrusted, Chihiro-san?" Chihiro imagined that Mai was looking at her right now, though she couldn't confirm it as she was staring at the ground attentively, avoiding Mai's gaze.

"Yeah, why...?" Chihiro muttered. "It made sense in my head, but when I think it through, it's starting to sound completely crazy."

"Craziness is subjective. I can be the judge."

"..."

She sighed a light breath, silently. Chihiro's mind, only just populated by a thousand dilemmas, delusions, and the two sides of her warring brain, suddenly rid itself of the chaos. Somehow, as the words formed in her throat and became ready to be spoken aloud, a pure white clarity forged from the depths of her psyche and slowly, Chihiro found herself starting to understand. She spoke.

One by one, the words flowed like water, like rain falling into a puddle. Ripples. Chihiro continued to speak.

They collect into a puddle. Things happen. Rain falls again. Things change. Without the crests and troughs of waves, how can rain collect? Chihiro continued to speak.

There is no flood without precipitation. And though the water's surface is calm, there is no ocean without storm. In the moment, Chihiro's mind emptied - Change is a miraculous thing.

Patter, patter.

--

"By the way, Mai-san..." Before Chihiro bid her farewells and left, she turned. She already finished her own lengthy speech, but she had one question for the listener.

"Yes?"

The pale blue sky above was melancholic, and a blanket of white clouds sprawled over the horizon, carrying an oncoming rain. Chihiro looked away and murmured, pensively.

"... What train station are we at?"

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